23 January 2010

Random Shots...Random Death...

From the Soldier side: This is how you are supposed to start a war story: "This One Time when I was in Iraq"… I had a team and we were sent to a little crappy F.O.B. (Forward Operating Base) south of Baghdad. For a lot of my time in Iraq, my team was called the gypsies. They often sent my team to lots of places that were FUBAR and hoped we’d fix things.

The things I remember most about this FOB south of Baghdad was, it got mortared everyday...always  sometime after lunch—so we had to wear our fu--ing body armor all the time when outside. (my team stayed in a fu--ing tent with fragment holes in the roof.) Out of all the fu—ing places I was sent in Iraq, that was about the fu—ing worst place. Most of the fu—ing time we were at this FOB, it rained.

The other thing about this FOB was that it had the worst KBR contract mess hall in Iraq. I know the cooks got the same food that all the other FOBs and camps got, but at this FOB they screwed it up so bad that MREs actually were better.

                                        The CI Roller Dude riding in a Sherpa (think file cabinet with wings)

Well, in regards to the insurgent assholes who were lobbing random mortar rounds into the FOB everyday, they were really annoying. Lucky they had missed that day in Terrorist 101 class on how to actually aim the mortar…the rounds just landed at random. Don’t get me wrong, sometimes the shits actually hit somebody or something important…but it was always 2 rounds, then they took off before the Army could catch the little cowards bastards.

The retards in charge of sending the Apache helicopters after the little terrorist assholes never quite got it right…they didn’t go after them until about 45 minutes after the rounds had hit the FOB. By then, even an insurgent low crawling away would have been miles away laughing their asses off at the Americans.

Then one day we got kind of dumb lucky. One of the infantry patrols, who usually had no idea what they were doing there,…but they got dumb lucky and brought in some locals for “questioning”

I was trying to train one of the “Fobbits” stationed there how to “chat” with these guys. She was not very well trained, being a late comer into our business and in the ----Army National Guard….I think before she was activated, she was flipping hamburgers in some restaurant in the south. She was not well trained, if I didn’t mention that before and she really seemed to lack what it took to do that sort of thing.

At any rate, she was “chatting” with this knucklehead…asking the basic stuff: “What’s your name, date of birth (which most had no idea) and where he lived…how many wives and sheep he had" and stuff like that.

While “the former burger flipper now Army Soldier asking questions” was going down the page and filling in the blanks, the little Iraqi turd blurts out: “I know who’s bombing your camp everyday!”

“The former burger flipper now Army Soldier asking questions” didn’t hear or understand what now Mister helpful had said and went out with her next question. I had to stop her and point out that the dipshit might know who’s lobbing the annoying fucking random mortars on the FOB, and it would be a really good idea to ask him about that shit.

TO BE CONT........Warning:  Part II is rated PG 13 due top graphic violence and war death.... but most of you will be so happy to hear how it ends...

Editor's note: I got some f------ complaints about my language.  Sorry folks, I went to the VA for bad language rehab, but I got kicked out of the f----- meetings. 


chupacabra said...

After our indirect fire support guys rotated out the insugents figured out the new guys sucked. We got hit day and night for two weeks til the general said,"!%#^& I'll put your ^%$& in a sling and cut your ($%^$ off if I nearly get blown up in my head again!"
We got hit that evening, but I swear counter battery started before the rounds even hit. They fired 30 or 40 155mm rounds. I watched the rounds splash miles away. It looked like the sun was coming up in the wrong direction. It made my heart warm.
We didn't get hit aganin for a long time.

The End

Coffeypot said...

If you had recorded the 'interview' and let her put the pin down and gave her a picket fence to talk over, she might have been more at home, getting more information out of him. Writing and thinking...was she blond?

powdergirl said...

I guess you should have asked a hockey mom to do the questioning, they're way tougher than burger-flippers.

Even the blond ones.

CI-Roller Dude said...

OK, the "Burger flipper turned soldier" was not blond. She was just a little slow...mybe from too much Mississippi inbreeding.

Paxford said...

More "to be continued"??!! *wah!!*

Is this some sort of Conspiracy between you and A1S? - to keep us all hanging about on our keyboards just hoping that you'll put us out of our misery (and curiosity?)

Bad Boys! No Timtams for you!


~J said...

I love your stories, always have. Don't worry about people who complain. They'd probably use the f-word occasionally too if they were being shot at. just sayin...
I have a friend who's hubby is in IZ... she worries about how he talks of bringing an ear home as a trophy. Some dudes might really have PTSD...
You are one of the best mil bloggers out there. It's nice to hear stories from such a nice guy who is always trying to help someone out...and you always have such a great sense of humor.

Oh, and nice music mix too... :)

Saker said...

Language complaints? :D I was told that if you have a problem with swearing, then you've chosen the wrong occupation. Actually, I was *told* to cuss when briefing 11B's, because "otherwise you won't get their attention."

CI-Roller Dude said...

When i was an 11C (Infantry mortars) and a 12B (Combat Engineer) every sentence had to have a swear word in it...or the NCOs and men thought you were soft or worese.

You can use the "F" word for a noun, verb ad-verb etc."

Julie said...

I'm here getting caught up on my blog reading!!!

Anonymous said...

1. Not sure bad language would be enough to get 11B's or 03's to pay attention.
2. An obvious desk weenie trying to sound like one of the boys, would just irritate them and cause them to be tuned out.
3. Keep in mind, if you're on operations, you're always tired (even if you've been sitting on a runway beside a C-130 for 3 days waiting for the word).
4. Things that got their attention:
a. Ten minutes to saddle up, take a piss and have your last smoke.
b. This is how you get laid without getting the crabs...
c. Guys in khaki uniforms were spotted outside of *ville. We're going out to take a look (that would have been NVA -who scared us).
d. A female saying anything for the first five minutes.
4. After counseling from a really wise superior, tried to have my subordinates give out info.
5. Being a source of information was another way of beefing up your position as a leader.
6. You could be the fount of all knowledge or pass the detail around to your people.
7. At first, deciding who did what was a challenge. After a while, became effortless.
8. The biggest issue was making sure my sergeants and corporals were given their shots at this.
9. Another teaching tool was "Nomenclature, function and maintenance of the M-16 Rifle."
10. Beside said runway, aboard ship or whatever, this chestnut appeared whenever there was idle time.
11. Added interest to the proceeding by choosing random individuals to teach the class.
12. PFC Schmuckatelli, goat for the occasion would shamble up to the instructor's position, receiving helpful comments from the audience on the way.
13. Promise you those lessons provided many hours of cheap entertainment for my men.
V/R JWest

Kanani said...

Keep going... I'm reading!

Saker said...

Anon- guess that means I have their attention for the first five minutes, then! I'll brief quickly.

And then tell them they have ten minutes to saddle up. :D