26 April 2008

COMBAT COMICS, help survive a deployment...

From the Soldier side: SGT Grumpy (at: http://sgtgrumpy.blogspot.com/) was talking about his tips to survive a deployment. He's asking for good practical jokes that can be used. I have a few simple rules about particle jokes in combat zones:
1.) You don't want any good guys to be injured or killed (no explosive devices!)
2.) You don't want to get an Article 15 or some other punishment
3.) You shouldn't play one on someone of lower rank unless they really deserve it
4.) You want to involve as many people as possible in the "Delivery" for more enjoyment
5.) You have to survive to be able to tell about it, so if someone bigger than you kicks your ass, you failed.

Spring, 2005, Baghdad, Iraq. I was assigned to a Regular Army unit for my deployment. Over my years in the Army and National Guard, I was always under the impression that the National Guard was full of dummies. Not true. The Regular Army unit I was attached to for my tour was full of more dummies than I had ever seen in my entire life. The biggest dummies were E-7's and above....some of these were certified morons! None of them ever left the camp, but all got Bronze Stars!

We had a female First Sergeant who was useless. She wanted to hold company formations outside every morning at 9 AM. Most of us who had any infantry training thought this was a real bad idea in a combat zone. One random mortar round in the right spot would take us all out. But the First Sergeant didn't listen. (rules of war, don't bunch up, and don't look important)

So, when spring came around and it was time to change our clocks... she reminded us: "Bulldogs, now don't forget to change your clocks tomorrow. I don't want anyone to be late for my formation." (We were B Co, so she called us "Bulldogs" we changed it to "Bullfrogs")

I convinced the First Sergeant that for the time change, in the spring, you had to "spring back" and in the fall, you "fall forward." She thought that made sense.

So, the next morning she was out in her formation 2 hours before anyone else. She ran around waking everyone up, including the company commander....who figured out she was an idiot.

When I showed up, she looked at me and said: "SSGXXXX, I thought you said we spring back and fall forward?”

I looked at her with a very straight face and said: “First Sergeant, I always get that mixed up, did I get it wrong?”

Future piratical jokes: What to do when a fellow soldier forgets to log off on his/her secret computer.


J said...

That's awesome! YOU are good.

I wish I could have heard what the co. commander said to her...

"D" AKA CI-Roller Dude said...

This was the same first sergeant who never cleaned her M9 when we were training in Kuwait...and it totally jammed on the range. She walked back to where I was, with the slide stuck and it was still loaded.
I got it away from her before she hurt someone and cleaned it so it would fire. She would have been totally useless in a gunfight.

LT Nixon said...

Haha, good gag! But I disagree with you and think that uniform and haircut inspections are incredibly important in a combat zone. You want to look your sharpest when you get injured. In case of mortar attack, I always politely stroll in a calm fashion to the duck and cover to ensure I get my leg blown off like a gentleman.

"D" AKA CI-Roller Dude said...

When I was there, we wore the DCUs'...and our REMFs actually had them startched and pressed every day. I found the the body sweat acted like startch after a few days of no showers or laundry

Sergeant Grumpy said...

ha ha ha ha ha ha, uh what the hell was i going to say?

Anonymous said...