07 December 2011

...And He fed the thousands....a loaf of bread...

From the Cop side: Well, we’ve used the democratic process…and the next story (s?) is or are about dealing with Biblical type persons in police work.  I’m sure if you ask any cop who’s been on the job for more than a few minutes, they’ll have or are going to have a story of arresting somebody who looks and or acts like a character from the Bible. 
Now, please don’t think I’m trying to be sacrilegious, and I hope I don’t offend anybody (too much)…but I know I’m going to hell already. 

Many years ago…..
I was working the day watch on police patrol around a small college campus.  The campus was known for it’s magnetic like attractions for 5150’s (mentally ill people).  The nut jobs came to the college for all kinds of reasons, most of which had nothing to do with actually getting an education.  In some cases, they never even enrolled, but would just walk into a class or office and causing a disturbance. 
 I got dispatched to a Jesus sighting.  Well…I’m pretty sure he really wasn’t Jesus, but he kind of looked like him.  He was tall and thin…with long hair and long dark beard.  His clothes were ragged and dirty and he rarely took a bath. 

The one thing this guy could do that made me start to think he might have some kind of special powers was he could disappear into thin air.  I mean I’d get a call, and head over to where Jesus was.  I’d see him for a second…then POOF!  He’d be gone.  I never saw him walk on water, but I did check the nearby creeks just in case.     

On this one cool winter morning I got a call on Jesus again.  He was caught taking stuff from a mini mart and was last seen running towards the college campus….barefoot. 

I knew the only direct path Jesus would have to take to continue his flight from justice (in which other law enforcement members where in fresh pursuit).  I just parked my patrol car and waited….

There he was, running and shoving food into his mouth.  I wanted to wait and see if he turned the one loaf of bread into hundreds…but he was eating it too fast.  (He didn’t have any  fish.) 

The problem with running and trying to do almost anything else, including shoving food into your face, is it often causes a person to lose balance.  This did happen to Jesus and he fell….right in front of me. 
At this point, I was laughing so hard, I had a very difficult time getting out of my patrol car and walking over to where Jesus was laying prone on the ground with a loaf of bread scattered all around.  I was still waiting to see if he was going to turn the one loaf into many.  Didn’t happen. 

How disappointing.  Then I helped Jesus to his feet…still trying to control my laughter.
However, as soon as he was up, he broke loose and ran (he didn’t fly or anything like I might have expected)…then he was gone.

There was only one place he could have gone on the college…there was an all female dance class next to where we had been…he’d run into the class.

I walked into the dance class, and noticed several dance students pointing to the back of the class.  (They were all doing some kind of high stretch in a synchronized fashion)…and there was barefoot Jesue in the back dancing like a retard on an ice rink.  I did the habeas grabis on his arm, and applied the Peerless brand handcuffs in a proper manner as to not be too tight and double locked them. 

As I walked Jesus out of the class, I received applause from the students and the teacher.  I was still trying to control my laughter. 

As I took Jesus over to where the original crime had occurred, I found he was also a wanted man and he was not really Jesus.  I took him to jail and his Father didn’t come down and make bail. 

More to follow…. Jesus drives!         


el chupacabra said...

Lulz. Jesus rawks.

Old NFO said...

Oh damn... Now I've gotta go back and read all your other posts... I'll be here a while... :-)

SAM said...

Lol, nice story!

powdergirl said...

I think jesus was hauling sacred ass down my road all this past summer long. He's on a Harley now, if its the same messiah.
And he's got himself some proper boots now.
Really, the guy looks exactly like all the biblical depictions of christ, only no unearthly glow.

Coffeypot said...

Does he drive an ass? They are pretty economical I hear.

Six said...

A few years ago I was on motors *(small california city) working radar on one of our feeders. I caught a Bronco at 15 over and stopped him. He handed me his license and the name was

Buddha. Just that, nothing more.

He looked at me, clearly expecting the obvious answer. I just took the license and wrote the ticket. A copy hangs on the wall of the motor shed to this day.

Am I going to Hell for writing a speeding ticket to the God of a billion plus people? How could I resist. What motor cop in his right mind would not write that cite? Oh and yeah, he had the belly.

CI-Roller Dude said...

El C, That Jesus stunk

Old NFO, I wish there was away to read the old ones in order easier...

SAM, nice, except I'm going to hell

PGirl, Those types around here are usually fatter than what's described in the Bible.

CP, stand by

Six, Artillery ? what did you say? I loved riding....plain clothes never felt right..I had to wake up each day and try to figure out what to wear to work...I liked just putting on a uniform- it was simple.

Six said...

I was Army Artillery at Ft Ord before getting out and going to work for a local pd. Retired last year.

After informing him of the reason for the stop and requesting his license and info the only other thing I said was "press hard, 4 copies". I know he was dying for me to ask him about the name but it was too good an opportunity to play the old seen everything done everything card.

I agree on the plain clothes thing. I did the assignment for 4 years but hated every minute of it.

CI-Roller Dude said...

Six, I did basic at Ft Ord....how does the Army always find such crappy places in the middle of such a nice area?

Six said...

Remember it's nickname? The World.
I can't explain how they can do that but the Army definitely has a knack for it. If you haven't visited in a while you'll be amazed and a little sad. When it first closed it was eerie, like a ghost town. Most of the old buildings are now gone and there's been some construction plus a university so it's better but I still get a bit misty eyed when I remember what used to be there. Martinez Hall is still there though. It's a veteran outreach center which is appropriate I think. Drop me an e-mail sometime and we'll reminice.

Heroditus Huxley said...

Funny stuff--added you to my blog roll, and will be reading yours.

Thank you for serving.

lorraine said...

There is a Mental Hospital in Israel that is full of people off their rocker thinking they are Bibical figures. They aren't so much there for committing crimes but for walking into Holy Sites and assuming ownership. I guess that is a crime but more of a nuisance. The biggest reason is that they walk off into the desert or try the on water thing and are wearing hotel sheets. The article I read was in the New Yorker - it was a howl. I was raised in Hollywood in the '60's and we had way more than our share of enlightened ones. Now as a nurse - did my sentence in working in Psyic - I have had to deal with them, up close and personal. It is hard not to laugh - chewed my tongue and cheeks several times. I was hoping you would do this story line. Take care and have lots of fun in your new job.

NavyOne said...

The ol' habeas grabis on Jesus. That must have been fun.