Narcotics -Immediately grow facial hair, tell everybody you were ordered to.
-Start watching every episode of Monster Garage.
-Buy a biker wallet with a big chain.
-Make every case involve overtime $$$.
-Buy bunches of boats, RV's, and motorcycles with that overtime.
-Learn to play golf drunk.
-Wear team T-shirts, Oakley sunglasses and boots everyday.
-Try to fit the word breach in to every conversation.
-Have a mirror handy to check hair, if you have hair.
-Never say hello to anyone who is not an operator, just practice your SWAT head nod.
-Subscribe to Soldier of Fortune and Muscle and Fitness.
-Learn to play golf wearing a gun.
Community Service units -Hate SWAT
-Work to make everybody love you.
-Paint your office in pastel colors.
-Think Feng Shui.
-Subscribe to Psychology Today.
-Learn to play miniature golf.
-Write tickets to EVERYBODY.
-Spend every weekend cleaning your bike and polishing boots.
-Annoy everyone on the radio calling out your stops.
-Talk about nothing but how many tickets you wrote in one day.
-Ride by a building with big windows to see your reflection.
-Golf is lame, motor rodeos are cool.
K-9 Units -Become sadistic
-Show pictures of your latest dog bite
-Brag about your largest drug find
-Smell like a dog
-Workout 3 times a day
-Show off your bruises
Range mastersStill owns every gun ever issued in the dept
- Started bugging chief in 1979 to allow officers to carry semi auto on duty
- "suggested" in the 1990's that they put AR 15s in the patrol car
- Laughs when he sees admin or detectives carrying a useless .38 snub nose because they think it's cool. (read # 2 above asshole)
- Can't understand why any officer would not want to go to the range - where you get free ammo and get paid to shoot.
- Has a holster and a pistol that will match any outfit he has to wear—but usually wears 511 pants or his old Army pants to the range.
Administrative Units -Three-hour lunches everyday, tell everybody it's a "meeting".
-Upgrade department cell phone every month.
-Tell everybody you are published in a national law enforcement magazine.
-Update your revenge list on a weekly basis.
-Golf Rules! Play lots of golf.
Patrol Units -Has nerves of steel.
-In a terminal state of nausea from department politics.
-Inability to keep mouth shut.
-Has defining tastes in alcohol.
-Is respected by peers.
-Beats the crap out of his caddy on any bogeyed shot
FTO (Field Training Officer) -Automatically grasps the door handle until knuckles turn white when car is put in gear
-Considers a multiple-victim homicide in progress a “good training opportunity” and asks to take primary
-Considers less than three hours of OT to be a quiet day
Investigators -Come in at 0800
-"Breakfast" from 0815 to 1030
-Work from 1030 to Noon
-Noon to 1400 Work out and Lunch
-1400-1700 Sit in CID and talk about how many girlfriends you have and how the wife doesn't know. Plan your next RV, fishing, motorcycle trip.
-Remembers very well "how we used to do do it."
-Always willing to tell his officers the above.
-Tries to fit the word "liability" in to every sentence.
-Talks about "what he's hearing from upstairs."
Trainee -Unable to grow facial hair.
-Watches every episode of Cops.
-Worships the ground the SWAT guys walk on.
-Arrives for work three hours early.
-Thinks the sergeant is thrilled to see him.
-Won't drink on the golf course because it violates the open container ordinance.
Feds - Shave head, and grow goatee (unless you want to be a management weenie, then make sure you are clean shaven, with short almost military style haircut).
- Wear 5.11 pants, and polo with agency logo (unless you want to be a management weenie, then make sure you always have a shirt and pants to which a jacket and tie can be quickly added for when the boss might be around).
- Arrive at work at 8AM, spend one hour answering useless emails, and 30 minutes checking your retirement investments. Then go with another agent to Starbucks "to discuss your a new case."
- After participating in your first warrant service (as outside cover) make plans to join the agency SRT, SWAT, etc., to "properly utilize your superior tactical skills."
- After doing your first buy bust, immediately begin asking the boss about "long term undercover" jobs.
- Refuse to play golf with "the locals."
New Corrections Officers
- Show up for work 15 minutes early
- Buy only the best ink pens (Pilot G-2)
- Wear T-Shirts of your "dream department" under your uniform
- Wear a full duty belt of gear even though you have to remove everything when you arrive at the facility
- Become friends with every local police officer
-Say you don’t want to work patrol anyway, but monitor dispatch channel while in courtroom
-Have Jail and courthouse cafeteria menus memorized
-Have seriously thought of entering law school after sitting through three jury trials
-Consider the Public Defenders’ Christmas party the high point of the year
Defensive Tactics Instructors -Starts stretching before making arrest
-Can spend hours debating the advantages of ASP vs. straight stick
-Has spent more than $50 on a wood baton
-Giggles when a suspect starts to resist