23 March 2010

Bubba’ and his new .45

As most of my regular readers know, I am funny guy except when it’s concerning firearm safety. If you do anything unsafe with a firearm around me, I will let you know what I think. I didn’t just learn this from books. I’ve seen too many “empty” firearms go off. Many of these “empty” firearms went off whilst I was in the Army, some in police work. It’s a real eye opener when you hear an “empty” gun go “BANG!”

Many years ago, while my Infantry company was on guard duty in West Berlin, Germany. We were on shift change at about Zero Dark Hours. Specialist Snuffy, who was issued a 1911A1, .45 Automatic Pistol and five rounds of 230 Grain Ball ammo, was fixin’ to hand over the weapon to his relief. The Sergeant of The Guard was there to do whatever the Sergeant of the Guards is supposed to do…and Snuffy hands the pistol to his relief.

His relief, who’s half asleep, takes the pistol, doesn’t check to see if there’s a magazine in the pistol, racks the slide, then pulls the trigger.


A very loud BANG. And a .45 caliber hole goes into the ceiling of the Berlin Headquarters building right next to the guard post.

Who screwed up?

All three soldiers screwed up. Snuffy was NOT supposed to put a magazine into the weapon. The Sergeant was supposed to insure the weapons were safely handled. And the idiot who took the weapon, should have made sure it was cleared before pulling the trigger. So, what happened? The soldier who pulled the trigger was charged 11cents for the bullet.

Modern times, last week:

I got to visit the great State of Arizona. One of the fun things I got to do there was to go shooting. For those who’ve never been to Arizona, it’s one of those states that is very “free” about citizens owning firearms. In most areas, a citizen can even walk around with an exposed pistol in a holster! Concealed Weapons Permits are much easier to get there than in California. This freedom can be very good. It can also allow persons who are totally retarded to own firearms.

Take a guy we call “Bubba.” He is the picture you see in the dictionary when you look up either “Retard” or “Redneck.” He IS the ultimate dumbass, who will eventually do something to stop his own gene pool from spreading further.

We were at a “gun range” in Arizona. It was just a dirt hill that the locals fire their guns at. Not a formal range, just a place to shoot. There are plenty of old TVs, microwaves and empty beer cans to shoot up. We were there checking out a few new guns and really enjoying ourselves when “Bubba” rolls up in his car. Along with Bubba were two Bubba Janes. Between the 3 of them, I think they had about 10 teeth, and the combined IQ of 20. Bubba gets out of his car, and I see he must weigh about 300 pounds. One Bubba Jane is as skinny as a crack whore and the other was even fatter than Bubba. I didn’t notice, because I try to avoid looking at things so gross, but the fat Bubba Jane had a cell phone shoved into her bra. My friend who noticed this cell phone holder thought it was pretty funny…I’m glad I didn’t look close enough to notice. (would you want to talk on that phone after it’d been in there?)

We had stopped shooting for a few minutes to watch what these mouth breathers were going to do. Bubba has a .45 pistol in a really crappy shoulder holster. He walks up to the old TV, pulls out the pistol and starts shooting. As far as I could tell, none of them had any hearing or eye protection.

Then Bubba hands the .45 to skinny crack whore looking Bubba Janes. She, with her finger on the trigger, walks up to the TV and fires a few rounds. I was trying so hard to not laugh, that I couldn’t tell if she hit anything. The fat Bubba Jane looks over where we were and ask: “whatch’ ya’ got, a 9MM?”

I looked at Bubba, and ask: “What do you have there, a 1911?” (what most of us call any .45 auto based on the original Colt military handgun.) Bubba says: “nope, it’s a Colt .45.”

So he had no idea of what he actually had.

Then he proceeds to tell me how he got it in a case, with the holster and 3 magazines for only a thousand bucks!

I asked if I could take a look at it. He walks over, and hands me his pistol. I was a little shocked that he handed it to me with the magazine in it and the slide closed--- so I assumed it was still loaded… as he was handing it to me, the barrel was pointed at his more than ample gut. I had a flash thought of what the 230 grain bullet would have done to all that fat.

On closer inspection, I could see rust and a lot of wear. But Bubba was very proud that he had spent $1,000 on a gun I might have given $250 for. It was beat and in poor shape. I might have been able to tear it apart and fix it up, but it would have taken me hours of work. It was a piece of shit.

I handed it back to Bubba and said: “Wow, you paid a thousand bucks…amazing.”


Red said...

Dude, have you ever been to Texas? You will see this exact same scenario, I guarantee it! As my mom says "the bubba is pervasive" ;)

lorraine said...

Hi! I, too, am in California. I was a nursing student in a patient's room and heard a family member tell another that she was leaving her purse in the room while she went to the bathroom. She added - "the gun in is there so be careful." They were from Arizona and it was no big deal to them ---but!!! here??? You should have seen the clusterf**k it started. We must have had all the cops in town up there to deal with granny and her gun. I got out of the way before I started laughing too hard or got caught in crossfire. Looking forward to more stories.

CI-Roller Dude said...

Of course I've been to the Great State of Texas. Funny, but we do have "Bubba's" in Calif.

good idea to "run away" at the metion of guns in Calif.

powdergirl said...

Around here we've got a lot of Bubba's, but not many Bubba's with guns.

Tiger-torches yeah, but not so many guns.

Coffeypot said...

Ussen redneck bubbas get ussen's first gun on our 5th birthday. It's not until we are 6 that we get a sip of the jug. But we'ens are taught gun safety. From the first day of our 6th birthday we are taught to ONLY carry the jug by the left index finger so we won't unnaturally bend and put a callous on the shooting finger. Gotta go by feel, ya know.

Ally said...

Ever considered being a DJ? With Google Reader, I don't get to hear your music. Popped over to the blog to mark the post funny (still grinning - we have Bubba's in TN, most seem equiped with an illegal still and knives) . . .
And several long delightful minutes later (on song 7), I'm loving the tunes.

Thank you for joy!

CI-Roller Dude said...

Oh, I'm one who thinks making "shine" for personel use should be OK. (Less than 1,000 gallons a year?)
Gun safety is something that you can only screw up one time.
I should be a DJ? Yep, but I won't play request unless it's something I happen to like.
To get the best blog experience, you have to actually come to the blog cite...and get the music and all the side bar stuff.

Thanks for the comments, you 'all come back now, ya' hear!

Kanani said...

Let's see....there was the Bubba who shot himself in the foot because the gun he was "cleaning" turned out to be loaded. There was the Bubba-ette who left her loaded gun under the bed. Her son found and his friend found it. The friend is dead. I could go on.

And yeah, operating on a fat person is a pain in the ass because you have to set up buckets around the table to handle all that fat. Needless to say Bubbas with guns are dumb.