Retirement Parties for Cops....two types.....

From the Cop side: (but this could apply to most people who have worked at a job for 20 or more years).

I just got word that one of the captains I used to work for at a police department is sort of retiring.  How can you “sort of retire”?  Well, when different agencies have found that it’s cheaper to combine one or more departments into one bigger police department, sometimes folks get sort of “retired.” 

Now, this guy has been in law enforcement for over 35 years.  Notice I didn’t say he was a cop for over 35 years.  He was a paperpushingpieceof----.  He loved to start “I.A.’s” (Internal Affairs Investigations) on officers for little or no reason.  He went out of his way to insist that whenever he was there and a citizen came into complain about something, he would always ask: “would you like to make a formal complaint against the officer?” 

Now, this is the funny thing.  I have worked with some cops in the last 33 years who should have been fired.  But, this jerk would start complaints against some of the best cops in the world for no reason.  I’m talking about cops who’d risk their lives for citizens and other cops and had total respect from everybody they ever had contact with. 

So, when a cop retires, there are a few types of retirement parties.

Type 1: Class A Cop.  Everybody loves him or her and shows up at the retirement party and has a good time.  When they congratulate the retiring cop, they shake his or her hand and ask for any words of wisdom they can get- especially the semi seasoned cops who are smart.  The rookies still don’t understand and think they know everything, so all they’re thinking of is: “now I have a little seniority in the department.” 

Type 2: Class F Cop.  Everybody hates with a passion.  For many, if they saw this knucklehead lying on the ground, they’d walk around him and just say they forgot the number for nine one one. For this person, there will be a very big retirement party, however the retiree is not invited and has no knowledge of it.  There will be lots of happy cops, former cops, retired cops and even some good citizens who will be there.  At this type of party, there will be so many intoxicated cops, that the Irishmen will even be sayin’: “you’ve had too much to drink.”  The rookies still don't have a clue.

Of course, being they they’re all DUI experts, there will be designated drivers and a fleet of taxi cabs standing by….because there will always be another paperpushingsonofabitch who loves to burn and fire cops to try and make themselves look better. 

We have a Type 2: Class F party coming up soon.  But don’t tell the asshole captain about it.