28 July 2010

We went to war with e-mail~

From the Soldier side:  As some of my readers may know, sometimes I can't think of nothin' to write about...then at other times I have several thoughts of random stuff.  I was going through one of my old e-mail accounts and found some stuff I e-mailed from when I was in Iraq in 2005.  Some of this info may still be useful today for those who are getting ready to deploy.  So, in the interest of trying to help a brother or sister going off to war, here you go:

1.) For the rain season...(yes it does rain in Iraq) mix lots of oatmeal, Elmer's glue, rocks, and something that smells like shit with lots of water. Spread this everywhere you go and make sure it's at least a foot or two deep where you have to walk.  Only walk where this goo is.  Track it into your home, bedroom, work space, and your car. Make sure you put some in your ears, navel, nose and anywhere else. Make sure your feet and clothes are wet all the time and make sure the heater at home is broken so you can't dry out.

CI Roller Dude at Camp Fallujah, Iraq in spring 2005

2.) Make a vest out of bulky material that sticks out 5 inches and weighs 35 pounds. Put on a 5 pound hat, and carry a 7.5 pound stick with several pounds of stuff in pouches on your vest. Wear this everywhere you go including when you eat.

3.) Move into the garage and sleep on a cot with a broken leg. Have somebody open and close the garage door and turn on the light as soon as you fall asleep...then open it again and yell out: "Hey Joe, are you in here?" 

4..) Keep a lawn mower running outside all the time for the proper generator sound. 

5.) Carry a gun with you all the time, to eat, to shower, to the store, church etc.

6.) Have a neighbor throw fire crackers in your yard when you are in the middle of doing something, like eating...then run to a bunker---

7.) Build a bunker in your back yard for all the times you have to run into it...only make it 4 feet high and make the entrance 4 inches more narrow than your you and your body armor.

8.) Take a shower in the front yard with a garden hose--- only use cold water, and make sure it runs out before you fully rinse off. Once a week have your neighbor throw firecrackers and run to your bunker--totally naked. (with your weapon of course.)

9. ) have the electrical power shut off at random times.  Make sure during the day it's when the sun is the hottest and at night when it's the coldest so you never are totally comfortable.

8.) Only watch CNN on TV, 24 hours a day.... but as soon as they do a story on your camp, have the neighbor cut the feed (acting like a dumbass sergeant major).

10.) Have 6 main courses prepared for dinner each night, with potatoes, rice, noodles, etc, roast, chicken, pork, then eat a hamburger.

11.) Only drink Kool aid, but make it very watered down...only serve warm coke or soda.  When you actaully find Starbucks Coffee, it's only decaf. 

12.) Build a bathroom outside, and never leave any toilet paper by the toilet... have a hajji use it and get shit all over the seat. 

13.) Make up acronyms for everything you have and do, and make sure you tell nobody what they mean.  Then only use those acronyms for all conversations.  Like: "Please wear your IBA, FTF, APCO, thank you."

Update:  ACIRWS (All CI Roller Wire Service) Iraq------------In a surprise visit, OSHA inspectors swept through Iraq this week and declared that the Islamic extremists, various rent-a-martyrs, and other malcontents are creating an extremely unsafe workplace environment.

OSHA was also investigating complaints that Colt, Bushmaster, Beretta, AM General, Boeing, Sikorsy, McDonnell/ Douglas, General Dynamics and other aircraft manufacturers were making their products are entirely too noisy.


Coffeypot said...

It does sound like a great place for a family vacation - for the Obama's.

Kristina Divine said...

I think I would laugh, if I thought you were actually joking.

lorraine said...

You are one funny dude - but do get it right. I have only been to Afghanistan (pre USSR invasion) but all I could add is bedbugs in every thing you sit on or sleep in. The advantages of not having an all expense paid trip and using Afghani services. When making my choice of whether or not to make it to Iraq on my journey, I was told by a fellow traveler, "If God wanted to start an enema on earth, he would put the hose in Baghdad". I passed. Keep writing - we are reading

CI-Roller Dude said...

And my favorite:
Buy a large, heave SUV that gets really poor fuel milage, make sure there is no stereo, the AC never works when it's really hot, turn the heat up, must have a sun roof.
Put duct tape over all the glass so you only have about 4 inches to see out.
Put your son or daughter standing up in the sun roof with a BB gun..
Whenever any cars get close to you, have your kid shoot at them and yell the wrong Arabic word for "STOP."

Wrexie said...

Arabic is probably easier to figure out than some of those acronyms! sheesh.

UH... it should be a war crime to only have decaf.

You're a great combat comic Roller Dude...but it must have been a mell of a hess over there.