08 May 2010

Couldn't think of any funny stories....

From the Cop side: After reading one of my favorite blogs, (The Boggie Man is my best Friend) I got to thinking about some R.F.S. (Really Funny Shit) that I’ve seen or heard in police work during the last 31 years. The problem is, after I started to try to think of the RFS, I had to really shake out some cobwebs from my B.H.G. (Brain Housing Group). But, after thinking it over, I couldn’t really come up with anything funny. I mean, how could a good public serveant laugh at the misery some citizens ended up in? How could somebody dedicated to protecting and serving, write about stupid stuff some dumbass did? That just wouldn’t be right would it? Some might even think it would be in poor taste.

CI in his Roller from a few years ago

Drunks and other impaired people are almost always good for a laugh….except for the knuckle heads who want to fight…but overall, most are good entertainment.

2 AM, Friday, BCT (Bar Closing Time). I worked in a very small town for several years. One of the more proactive things I would do was to go to the bars just before closing time. I would walk through and make sure no knuckle heads were going to get into a fight and remind the good citizens that they should not drive impaired.

The good citizens thought I was really a nice cop for doing this, and many of the regulars would greet me when I walked into the bar. I really did this because when a drunk crashed, the reports took hours of my time. This little PR thing was really easier than filling out all the forms now required in California for a DUI arrest. The defense attorneys have done more to waste the tax payer’s money than any other group in the history of mankind.

In the past, the cops who worked in this town were pretty young and most would never walk into a bar alone. I just walked in like I owned the place and when some drunk who was not a regular started to give me crap, one of the good citizens would take care of the problem for me. I never had to fight with anybody there.

One night I rolled up to the front of the bar as a T.F.U.D. (Typically or Totally Fucked Up Drunk) staggered out of the showdown and walked up to my patrol car. He reached for the back door handled and tried to open the door. I thought this was kind of odd, but I am always looking for a good laugh and I asked the TFUD what he needed.

He said: “Taaaaxeee take me hoommeee…………” then he puked all over the sidewalk and fell down.

I hosed him off before giving him a free ride.

To Jail.

One of my favorite lines goes like this:

I roll up to the bar as the TFUDs are staggering out. You’ll see a few looking around, but you have to understand that their vision is really impaired and they can’t really see well. They bump into walls, parked cars and fall down. When they can finally focus and recognize that a copper is there, the conversation goes like this:

TFUD: “Occifers, please. Can you guys call me a cabbbb?” (note, I was usually by myself, they they’re seeing double)

Me: “Sure. You are a cab.” (Sober people are laughing their ass off, the TFUD just stared.)

One night I rolled up and the TFUD was staggering down the street. When I rolled up behind him to keep his dumb ass from getting run over, he turned around, looked at me patrol car, then fell down. As he got back up, (I was the only cop there at this point) he made a fist and yelled: “I can kick both of your asses…just hold still….” I only needed to call for back up because I was laughing so dang hard, I couldn’t get my handcuffs out.

Some nights I failed at my mission of preventing people from driving drunk…actually this usually was from folks drinking in nearby cities and passing through our town…but I’m not blaming those cops…I know they tried to.

But, every few weeks, some driver who’d exceeded the .08 BAC level mix of blood and alcohol would attempt to drive. The higher the mix of alcohol to blood, the bigger mess they usually made when they crashed….taking out light poles, parked cars, mail boxes, buildings, other moving vehicles and anything else you can think of…..like they were on a mission to see how much carnage they could make….almost never injuring themselves.

Please don't drink and drive.



Momma Fargo said...

Great post! Very classy and very true.

I am very concerned, however, that you are out there driving around with a blindfold on. I mean...is that safe? And you are telling people not to drink and drive. I think this is a contradiction in terms, Batman. And your g ride is very messy. Has black scribbly stuff all over it. LMAO.

On another note...love the old black and whites. Wish we would go back to them. Car 54 days...I miss. ;)

Coffeypot said...

It's a shame you can't post some of your 'meetings' with the drunks from your car cam. It would be some of the best material on the blog world.

CI-Roller Dude said...

MF, Sorry about the scribbly stuff on the car. I usually keep my assigned unit in perfect paraded condition.
And, I do have a story about black & white popo cars I'll tell.

CP, We don't have car cams--- we don't want to be on America's funniest home videos.

chupacabra said...

"….almost never injuring themselves."

Lulz Sooo true, but how and why?

CI-Roller Dude said...

Chu...I am not sure why...but I think it has something to do with God watching out for drunks and idiots.

Jay said...

Drunks are too relaxed to care. They don't tense up in an accident they just go with the flow.

Saker said...

I can't listen to that song and read this with a straight face. :D

CI-Roller Dude said...

Then my job here is done for the day.
US Army Cobat Comics- We make em' die laughing!

J said...

Car 54 where are you???

solfine said...

It has been a long time since I found myself stinko...But...

You really nailed it!