CI in his Roller from a few years ago
Drunks and other impaired people are almost always good for a laugh….except for the knuckle heads who want to fight…but overall, most are good entertainment.
2 AM, Friday, BCT (Bar Closing Time). I worked in a very small town for several years. One of the more proactive things I would do was to go to the bars just before closing time. I would walk through and make sure no knuckle heads were going to get into a fight and remind the good citizens that they should not drive impaired.
The good citizens thought I was really a nice cop for doing this, and many of the regulars would greet me when I walked into the bar. I really did this because when a drunk crashed, the reports took hours of my time. This little PR thing was really easier than filling out all the forms now required in California for a DUI arrest. The defense attorneys have done more to waste the tax payer’s money than any other group in the history of mankind.
In the past, the cops who worked in this town were pretty young and most would never walk into a bar alone. I just walked in like I owned the place and when some drunk who was not a regular started to give me crap, one of the good citizens would take care of the problem for me. I never had to fight with anybody there.
One night I rolled up to the front of the bar as a T.F.U.D. (Typically or Totally Fucked Up Drunk) staggered out of the showdown and walked up to my patrol car. He reached for the back door handled and tried to open the door. I thought this was kind of odd, but I am always looking for a good laugh and I asked the TFUD what he needed.
He said: “Taaaaxeee take me hoommeee…………” then he puked all over the sidewalk and fell down.
I hosed him off before giving him a free ride.
One of my favorite lines goes like this:
I roll up to the bar as the TFUDs are staggering out. You’ll see a few looking around, but you have to understand that their vision is really impaired and they can’t really see well. They bump into walls, parked cars and fall down. When they can finally focus and recognize that a copper is there, the conversation goes like this:
TFUD: “Occifers, please. Can you guys call me a cabbbb?” (note, I was usually by myself, they they’re seeing double)
Me: “Sure. You are a cab.” (Sober people are laughing their ass off, the TFUD just stared.)
One night I rolled up and the TFUD was staggering down the street. When I rolled up behind him to keep his dumb ass from getting run over, he turned around, looked at me patrol car, then fell down. As he got back up, (I was the only cop there at this point) he made a fist and yelled: “I can kick both of your asses…just hold still….” I only needed to call for back up because I was laughing so dang hard, I couldn’t get my handcuffs out.
Some nights I failed at my mission of preventing people from driving drunk…actually this usually was from folks drinking in nearby cities and passing through our town…but I’m not blaming those cops…I know they tried to.
But, every few weeks, some driver who’d exceeded the .08 BAC level mix of blood and alcohol would attempt to drive. The higher the mix of alcohol to blood, the bigger mess they usually made when they crashed….taking out light poles, parked cars, mail boxes, buildings, other moving vehicles and anything else you can think of…..like they were on a mission to see how much carnage they could make….almost never injuring themselves.
Please don't drink and drive.