Don’t stand too close to a naked crazy man..

From the Cop side: I don’t often post stories on fairly recent police stuff, but some of the things we end up doing is more funny than fiction. I know some of you read some of the cop stories by some of those I list on the right side (over there…scroll down a bit…see) Like Mamma Fargo, Hogday, and Texas Ghost Rider. I’m sure that there are lots of good other bloggers.
The reason I usually don’t post more recent events is the area I work is over loaded with attorneys. Hell, most of the kids I end up stopping start out with: “My dad is an attorney and we’re going to sue you.”

I’ve heard that so many times that I just respond with: “Oh, shit….are you trying to intimidate me?”

They’re so stupid that they don’t know if trying to intimidate a cop is against the law. It should be, but so far it’s not.

Well, last week was Thanksgiving. Of course I worked it…as it seems like whenever Thanksgiving was my normal work day, I’ve worked it for over 30 years. No big deal. A typical Thanksgiving day is all the good citizens who are planning on stuffing as much food into their pieholes as possible, go out for a walk in the morning. After they eat, they can’t walk and usually pass out on the couch. It’s normally a slow day as far as crime and traffic accidents….but the family fights tend to start picking up.

Thanksgiving is that one day of the year where families get together and visit others---then remember why they only want to see them once a year.

And the mentally ill seem to go off their meds around this time of the year…and again at Christmas.

So that was “the call” of the day. Our county mental health hospital is attached to the county “normal hospital for normal stuff”. It’s also really close to our main office and we even are co-located near the Sheriff’s sub –station that covers the hospital.

So, a little before lunch time, I was punching holes in the air with my Crown Vic, when I hear on the scanner that some nut job was running around the hospital naked. As I drive by the deputy responding, I give him a hand signal asking if he needed a cover…since his closest cover deputy was 4 miles away….he waved me to follow him.

As we rolled into the parking lot for the lovely newish’ county hospital, the private security guards were running in all directions---so it was difficult to figure out where the problem was. One guard was running back towards the hospital, one was running away and one decided to run at my car---I guess to see if I would run over him or something….still not sure.

So, since I could only go one place, I asked the guard who looked the least stressed: “What’s up?” as he pointed to a hill next to the hospital.

There appeared to be a giant plucked turkey climbing up the hill….then I realized it was a naked man…totally naked. Not even shoes. And the hill he was trying to climb up was almost straight up, so I was impressed at how far he climbed with no clothes on….and did I mention it was cold outside? Well, at least for our part of California, not like Mamma Fargo’s cold, but it would not have been a good day to go surfing!

So, it was the deputies call, and I was just going to cover him. But, the nut was still climbing up the hill and the deputy was trying to get information from hospital security. I was worried that the nut would fall and land his naked ass in the parking lot. I hate to see nuts hurt themselves…because it’s so messy.

So I ask the nut his name. He tells me. I suggest that he be careful so he doesn’t fall. (remember it’s not my call, so I don’t want to take over, but just tried to stall until the deputy had the info he needed.)

The nut stops climbing. I ask him if he’s looking forward to eating turkey. He tells me “I want to commit suicide by cop. Just shoot me!” I told him: “I’m afraid I can’t today, I’ve already shot too many people this week and I’ll get in trouble if I shoot anybody else.”

That got him to laugh.

The deputy found out he was a homeless dude who was dropped off at the looney bin. But, before they’d let him inside, the nurse told him to take off all his nasty clothes and leave them outside. That’s as far as he got…naked…then he decided that the nurse was being mean to him, so he ran away.



If it had been my call, I would have just told him to not fall off the hill, and driven away. The nut farm didn’t want him…but the nice deputy talked him into putting his clothes back on…then gave him a ride to the soup kitchen. It was funny, when the naked guy was walking back to his clothes….none of us got within 30 feet of him. He really looked like a giant plucked turkey. Same shape and skin color. Same IQ.